Hold On.

Hello! So here we are again, my annual post for World Mental Health Awareness day. Today marks four years since my initial post back in 2017 which I was planning on writing anyway back in the day, but the time I was going to post it happened to line up with such an important day. From then on I’ve continued with this tradition of sharing a post focused on the theme of mental health. If you go back you can see the different types of posts there’s been over the years – they’re under a subcategory of Mental Health Awareness Day if you scroll down to find them!

This year I wanted to talk about keeping a grasp on yourself, especially in the world of musical theatre. When I get into an episode of poor mental health I find it difficult to keep hold of myself. Things that make me feel like me suddenly lose their joy and meaning. For example, I love to sing, it’s something I feel confident doing. However, when I’m not feeling 100% emotionally the voice that comes out of my mouth feels and sounds, to me, nothing like me. I zone out and sing because I ‘have’ to when taking class etc. In turn, this adds to feeling low because it’s something I usually find joy in but suddenly I’m not, therefore, creating a vicious cycle that slowly bleeds into the rest of my life. 

When my mental health begins to go through a rough patch, simple activities get tricky and I lose myself further. It’s fairly common for routine habits to crumble when one’s mental health slips. Personally, I struggle to keep my space clean, my appetite changes which means my diet is poor and timekeeping is a nightmare – everything either drags or speeds by. These are all totally normal responses to a change in your emotional state, they’re not necessarily healthy but they’re common so when I’m out the other side after feeling down I try not to feel guilty of the time I spent in that state. 

‘Tidy Room’ has been on my to do list for weeks, I’ve just not been able to.

Routine is a big one for me. I’m a creature of habit so when that changes I sometimes get anxious. Currently, I’m in the middle of working out a new routine since starting college last month. The course I am taking is full-on. With an average of seven hours of intense practical study each day plus the daily commute, it’s definitely something I’ve had to get used to, anyway, but especially after the past eighteen months of lockdowns. The workload is also very high so finding time to do the independent study alongside the timetabled work and then just trying to be a normal human outside of the musical theatre world takes its toll. 

It’s a busy week.

I get to the weekend and sit on my bed like “wtf, who am I?” because I’ve been so focused on the tasks at hand during the week I’ve pushed normal life aside so then when it comes to seeing family, doing the washing, going out etc, reality hits and I feel a bit lost. I then get to the “Sunday Scaries” where the new week ahead fills me with anxiousnesses and, honestly, a bit of dread. It’s nothing specific that causes it, just the nature of what I do feeling very real after switching off for a bit. I love what I do and when I’m back in the swing of things by Monday lunchtime I’m enjoying it. 

Being faced with that mountain of anxiety on a Sunday night is normal because the nature of musical theatre is jam-packed. It’s always going at a million miles per hour and you’ve got to find ways to keep up with the demand without losing yourself. In a world where you’re supposed to be a creative individual, it can sometimes seem impossible to not feel like a vocal sirening, Shakespeare quoting, Matt Mattox arm-waving zombie. With that in mind, here are three things I personally find help me when things are starting to get particularly overwhelming to maintain a sense of self:

1 – Find an incentive to get you through the week 

Ideally, this incentive will be away from the world/work you do daily. This week, I got through with the intention that on Friday I would sit and watch Black Widow as it was released on Disney+ this week. It’s a film with happy memories and it was the first time I watched it since seeing it in cinemas back in July so the fact I got to relive that happy time helped me through this week. This incentive is away from my world of training/study but it can be linked if you wanted. I’m also pushing through to half term as I’m excited to return to some of my favourite open dance classes I can’t take in term time because of scheduling. 

This was a very welcomed sight on Friday

2 – Tell someone how you feel. 

Perhaps the most valuable way of helping yourself out of a mental health funk. I know it may seem like an “obvious” thing to list but it’s often forgotten in practice. So here is a little reminder to speak up as soon as you can when you don’t feel right. If it doesn’t feel better in a day or so please let somebody know. A naff few days aren’t fun but they usually pass in their own time, however, if it persists and feels too heavy to shake alone make sure you give someone a heads up. 

Tell somebody how you feel, it’ll do more good than you may initially think.

3 – Release and Recharge 

Take time away to reconnect with something you have loved for a long while. It could be music, a book, a sport, a hobby… basically, just give something a go which you’ve not done for a while. It could reawaken something positive – music helps me with this. I’ve had a really awful two weeks but listening to both Hamilton and On Your Feet for the first time in a long while has made me feel much more connected to myself. However, doing this could also have the potential to make you sad again if you can’t find yourself within that something special. So, linking back to point two, tell someone if you’re stuck and are struggling to find a way to lift your spirit. 

I’m no mental health professional, these are just things I try to do when I’m feeling low. The past week in particular has been super difficult personally and I just needed space for myself. I will level with you, I’m still far from feeling 100% but I’ll be going into Monday in a better headspace than Thursday night. 

The relationship we have with ourselves and our mental well-being is an ever-changing one. A journey if you will. Some days will be better than others and one of the most consistent characters in this time is YOU. Sometimes we lose our ways and that’s okay, finding our way back in the most constructive manner can be difficult but it IS doable. When you reconnect with yourself it’s the most emotional and soul affirming thing. Looking at this photo below of sixteen year old Abi who had never danced before I think about how she would feel knowing what twenty year old me is doing right now and also how I feel about doing it. She’d be amazed but also slightly perplexed at why the thing she’d dreamed about sometimes makes her anxious. But she’d be okay with that, the most important thing to her is that older abi finds a way to keep going through the storm.

Little steps to get back to the thing which means the most to her. Just hold on. ❤️

Self Care 101

Hello everyone! 

Before we get into this week’s post properly, today as I write this (09/02) is the four year anniversary of me publishing my first blog post! I started writing four years ago as something to do whilst I was spending my days sat in my school library recovering from my accident. Genuinely, that was the toughest and loneliest point in my life so I decided to start writing to give myself something to focus on. Little did I know what this blog would become and how much I would love writing. Thank you all for taking the time to read my work, it really means a lot to me and I hope you enjoy reading! ❤️

Last weekend I put a poll on my Instagram for what post people would like to read this week and the overall vote was for self care ideas which go beyond the standard ‘do a face mask’ or ‘write down how you feel’. Both of those are totally good ways to practice self care, however, there is more to it than just putting your feet up. Self care is about taking time for you to maintain a positive lifestyle. Now more than ever it’s so important to practice self care. Lockdown has created a belief that because people are at home it can mean they’re around to get back to your messages or be around at the drop of a hat. Newsflash! Just because we’re at home, there are still 24 hours in a day! People are probably still working their normal hours from their dinner table instead of the office – if not more hours in order to sort out any potential teething problems with technology.

Just because we’re at home don’t feel pressured to use anymore time than contracted/necessary. Boundaries are so important, even almost a year into this madness it’s still something I’m personally still trying to master! But, self care is something which should not be skipped or compromised. Even if it’s a few minutes a day, here are a few ideas of things you could try to take some time to perhaps take care of your own well-being. 

Make Something

I know this is a stereotypical one, after this there will be some different self care practices! I wanted to highlight the good that making something, specifically crafting, can do for our mental health. Making/crafting something has the capability to release dopamine chemicals in the brain which makes you happy through seeing the end product you create as a reward for the work. Personally, craft has been the thing which has kept my head screwed on during the past year. Whether you paint, sculpt, knit, draw or any other means of creating, the benefits this can have on your emotional wellbeing is incredible. It is also likely to be a different way to use motor skills in the hands. We spend so much of our days typing, scrolling and clicking using our hands in only a few ways. By using your hands in a different way to create something gives your fingers a break from the movements you’ve been doing all day. The amount of friends who when I asked “when was the last time you held a pen?” stared at me, unable to pinpoint an answer, was very telling of the amount of time we spend on devices. 

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I love a craft order!

Press The Mute Button

Technology and social media are both great things but in moderation. Sometimes though it can be a bit much and we spend time feeling overwhelmed by what we’re seeing to the point it becomes monotonous. Take ten minutes of your day if you find you’re in this position to go through and mute anyone or any account on social media which whenever you see makes you sigh and feel a bit down. People you subconsciously compare yourself to, people who constantly are posting photos of their food, people whose posts which just makes you go ‘ugh’ when you see them… the list goes on. It sounds mean, but if the content you’re seeing on social media is not what you want to see, act upon it. Blocking people works too, but the mute button is fantastic because if you end up muting someone you know, you can still keep the peace between you as there’s no ‘why did you unfollow me?’ fiascos. Taking that time to look at people’s profiles to mute them might make you feel a bit weird if they’re people you perhaps have a tendency to compare yourself to but once that’s done and you don’t see their posts everyday it is the ultimate form of self care because you are putting yourself first. 

It is also really good to also take the time to turn off the internet. The other week I was expecting for some news which didn’t warrant an email reply on my part but the anticipation of waiting for that message to come through put a spanner in the works for my day as I was really anxious as a result. My solution was to turn off the internet, bake a cake and then watch a film. I didn’t think about the news and when I eventually turned on the internet later I wasn’t fussed when I saw it ‘ping’ in my inbox. I turned an otherwise anxious day into a self care day where I did things for me. I appreciate not everyone will be able to distance themselves like this from responsibilities but finding your own balance within this is really important. 

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The cake I made on the day mentioned – not the most aesthetically pleasing but tasted good!!

Talk to yourself

This is one which on the surface seems like I’ve lost the plot and have missed human interaction too much throughout lockdown! However, taking the time to talk aloud to yourself is something I find quite beneficial. We have so many things rushing around in our heads right now so by physically verbalising those things helps get it off the chest. Sit down and just talk. Sit in front of a mirror and ask yourself some questions about how you’re doing, or, recount a really special day in your life, perhaps imagine a scenario you are excited for, even just speak the stream of consciousness you might be feeling. Either way, physically speak aloud to yourself. This time we’re spending at home is often perceived as a time to better yourself and complete all your goals. I believe that instead this time should be used to understand yourself and how you ‘tick’. By talking to yourself you can get to know yourself in a different way.

It is also quite a handy thing to practice if you’re going to be presenting anything on video calls because it means you get use to the sound of your own voice ringing around a room for a long period of time. Personally, talking to myself has helped me by allowing me to mull over options with my work at the moment and after I feel like I’ve got it out of my system. Of course, keep speaking to family/friends but talking to yourself can actually reap some benefits. 

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Sit in front of a mirror and have a chat with yourself!

Don’t Rush

Most importantly when it comes to self care, don’t just throw it into your day when you can’t reap the benefits. Find the best time where you can focus on yourself and the ‘task’ at hand. It doesn’t need to be a huge portion of the day, little but make sure it’s as often as you can. Even if it’s just your lunch break where you put your phone aside for half an hour to have something to eat and take a step away from your work. Taking time for you isn’t lazy, it shouldn’t be guilt ridden, it’s important so don’t rush it.

Please take care of yourself, the world right now is a weird place so make sure to not neglect yourself. ❤️

Creative Voices

Following the push of the Black Lives Matter movement last summer, Cher Ann Thorkilsen founded Creative Voices, a safe space to encourage conversations surrounding inequalities within the theatre industry. It’s a place to lift the voices of creatives who ordinarily might not be given a platform to talk about their experiences being BIPOC performers.

The aim is to raise further awareness surrounding racial inequalities within the theatre industry. The talks led by Creative Voices are open to all however are aimed at students. The idea being to educate those currently in training and also theatre professionals about the inequalities in theatre so when they are aware of injustices. These could appear in the forms of micro-aggressions which as an industry we need to take steps to eradicate or to encourage people to speak up and be strong allies when blatant racism in the workplace occurs.

Last Monday (24th Jan) I was lucky enough to be invited along by Cher Ann to sit in on an interesting talk with Gabriela García and Manuel Pacific about their experiences being Latinx performers in the UK Theatre scene and beyond. Discussions surrounded subjects such as colour blind casting, pride in being a minority, the importance of a strong support network and much more. The conversation, although emotionally charged, was really casual. Creative Voices are doing a fantastic job in opening up conversations which ordinarily would either not happen, or, would have potential be an uncomfortable one to spark. The conversation isn’t trivialised or loses gravitas by happening casually with the talks facilitated by Creative Voices, instead they are all the more relevant by happening in such a human way.

What was particularly special was how from the offset, Cher Ann made it clear that this is a safe place for all to ask questions and share lived experiences. The evening began with a few questions being posed to the whole group. Simple questions which were answered with a raised hand to say you have experienced the scenario described such as experiencing racism or how you might have carried out a microaggression towards an individual/group without perhaps realising the severity of the action. The whole group were attentive listeners who were ready to learn. It was also really interesting to see people’s reactions to stories which they themselves might not experience. An example of this being when a guest speaker had been told by a theatre professional to change their name in order to successfully work in this industry. This particular anecdote sparked a lot of open mouths in shock over Zoom by all. The benefit of having these discussions with Creative Voices means that people not only are aware of these comments but can keep an eye out for them so they can actively call out malpractice like this in future be they those facing these comments or allies who are strong support.

Talks are scheduled for Monday nights and all are welcome. To sign up, DM Creative Voices on either Instagram or Twitter. To gain a place you also are encouraged to donate to The Black Ticket Project . The independent initiative strive to create cultural access points for Black people across England. They predominantly work with young people to help build relationships between cultural institutions and Black communities that are often racially and socio-economically marginalised. The Black Ticket Project define ‘Black’ as of Black African, Caribbean, Afro-Latinx and African-American heritage, including those of mixed-Black heritage and want to help generate access points to the arts for those who identify as such.

At the time of publishing this post, the next talk is TOMORROW 1st Feb with Sharon Rose (Jingle Jangle Netflix, Hamilton) & Dom Hartley-Harris (Rent, Hamilton).

The theatre industry needs work to become reflective of the beautifully diverse world we live in. It’s important for us to have a welcoming place discuss the things we have experienced in order to create a more accepting and supportive environment for ALL. Creative Voices are doing incredible work to shine a light on creatives whose voices deserve to be heard. A hugely important conversation which we should all be involved with in one way or another – if you’re able to specifically join some of the talks with Creative Voices please do! 🌟

My Top 5 ‘Pick Me Ups’!

Happy New Year!

I hope you are all doing okay and that the start of this year has been okay for you! Earlier this month I asked people on Instagram what posts they would like to see this year. One of the posts suggestions was talking about my pick me ups when I’m feeling naff. Seeing as how 2021 has started off on a bit of a weird front I thought this would be a nice post to share right now.

Dippy eggs and soldiers

I came downstairs after doing some work earlier and decided I wanted one of my favourite meals. As the water was boiling I was grinning to myself like some sort of kid at Christmas because I was so excited and needed that little pick me up after a bit of a slow day of work. I don’t know specifically why it brings me so much joy but I always feel so full after eating – both physically and also a sense of happiness.

My Cat

I have a black cat called Jarvis. We adopted him in 2016 and he honestly just makes my day. He is so silly, really soppy and is very chatty. He comes into the room and always meows hello before head butting everyone in the room. He also loves playing with his toy mice and at the moment has a funny habit of getting really hyper just before bed because he wants to play with someone. He has the cutest little face on the planet and at home we all say he is the best time waster as you just want to watch him all day. He never fails to bring a smile to my face.

Stationery

I think the belief that new stationery is a fresh start is a huge reason why I love it so much. The potential behind it. So much can be shared in those new notebook pages or ideas born from that new pen, it sounds so deep and meaningful but it’s just the best feeling! Working on a computer is all well and good but personally I much prefer pen and paper because there’s a physical measure of the work you’ve done. At the end of a school exam I always loved running my hands over the paper and feeling the bumpy pages and the sense of fulfilment that I’d survived that test – a feeling that a word count online doesn’t quite match for me. Stationery shops have such a calming vibe. Many a time have I gone into Paperchase, WH Smiths or Tiger when I’m feeling down and spent an age staring at pens only to leave feeling much happier… and lighter given the hole I’d just burnt in my pocket!

Postcards

Similar to stationery but postcards just are such a simple way to make me smile, I definitely prefer postcards to standard folded cards. I’m a huge lover of journalling and all the good it does for mental health (have a read of that post here!) however one way I love to journal is to do it on postcards. This started off last year when I auditioned for drama schools and I would then go and buy a postcard with some sort of theme/message on the front which reflected how I thought the day went. I’d write on the back about the day and it was a lovely little keepsake. Since then I’ve realised that this is a great way for me to give myself a positive kick so often I’ll pop into Cards Galore (they’re my postcard sellers of choice!), buy a postcard and write on the back the positives about my day. I remember walking down St Martin’s Lane in November after an amazing day and decided to go into the shop and buy a postcard to document how positive I was feeling. On another note, the other morning I felt a bit low so bought myself a postcard online which will arrive soon for me to write on! Usually I store them in an envelope but I do have a few of them up on display in my room which are lovely reminders.

Tidying Up

I am by no means a tidy person. I’m organised, but far from tidy. When I feel like I *need* to do something but have no motivation to work on any existing projects I will usually tidy up my space. As much as I adore the work I need to do, it can be what causes me to feel a bit stressed or down. By tidying up I feel like I’ve done something productive but it’s separate from the work I have to do. Usually whilst I’m tidying I’ll either listen to some music (80’s Pop is my playlist of choice) or listen to a voice note sent by my friend Beth which are usually at least ten minutes long… we like to talk! On another note, Beth is someone who you could perhaps label as a ‘pick me up’! I always feel better after talking to her!

It’s probably safe to say that in many ways 2021 will be another mad year. As much as that sucks, it’s important to find moments of light where we can because although things may seem bleak, it’s not all there is ever going to be. Take time to look out for yourselves. Looking after yourself is one thing but looking out for is another. Try to catch any emotional blips where you can before they have potential to become trickier to work through. It’s tough, but it’s so important to keep an eye on yourselves and how you are feeling. You don’t have to go through this all by yourself, there are people who are always game for listening. It’s valid and okay to feel rubbish. Share how you feel and also utilise the things which give you joy and pick you up – life is too short to not find the things which bring a smile.

Dwelling

I saw a post the other day which said “Does anyone else go through their old photos and videos and just smile because you remember how fun those times were?” and it really got me thinking. For the vast majority of 2020 I resented what was going on and I couldn’t see any positives in the current circumstance. Obviously, slowing the rate of infection was a huge positive but, away from that, personally, during lockdown in particular I really struggled to see the good in this year and I am sure many others did too.

The spring/summer of 2020 was the worst part of the year for me. It was not just the world circumstance which was tough but I made things harder for myself by constantly thinking about the past and fearing the future. I’ve been taking a photo every single day for the past two years, which I love, but it meant I was dreading opening my Timehop to see what Abi from a year ago was up to. Although those memories made me smile, I hated the reminder that I was stuck doing something I hated this year. Especially seeing as how 2019 was a hugely positive and fun year of my life. As an example, on June 26th 2019 I went to see Six the Musical with two of my close friends. June 26th 2020 however, I was enduring yet another week of the family quiz over Zoom, eating the weirdest flavour Jaffa Cakes ever to keep myself from getting hangry as I hadn’t had my dinner yet. I love my family, but by this point I just wanted to sit in a theatre so this flashback to last year stung!

There wasn’t a huge pressure to do much in the spring/summer because we all were in the same position of having to stay at home. Now, because we can do a lot more, it feels as though many people around me have hit the ground running when we entered this ‘new normal’ whereas I hit the ground face first. I do feel that in many ways, autumn has brought a lot more pain because it just seems to be one thing after the other and the tongue in cheek quip of “ah, 2020, what else would you expect?” when another crappy thing happens has lost its meaning. It’s just relentlessly awful and it’s okay to say that. Living on a tipping point where the new routine I’ve developed could be pulled away in an instant scares me tremendously.

We’re always told to live in the now and be present in every moment. What does that even mean anyway? It’s a totally subjective feeling. Personally, I think that’s a bit of a rubbish and impossible thing to do. It’s human nature to dwell on past mistakes just as much as is it to plan for the future all whilst trying to ‘live in the now’. It all needs to be in moderation which is something I have definitely realised this year. Learn from the past and fondly look back on the memories made without getting sucked in by what was. Try to make the most out of every day as you live in the present. Look forward to the future and all the opportunity it holds without fearing it too much. It sounds flippantly simple yet is very difficult. Even though the autumn is definitely throwing some tricky curve balls and decisions my way, I feel much happier now compared to how I felt in the spring/summer. This is because I was constantly looking back at old photos going “oh on this day I was here a year ago, now look..!” or panicking about what life was going to be like six months down the line. Six month down the line, it’s still pants, but I’ve worked out how to look after myself through it.

Last week for me was rough. Lots of things went on be that in theatre, family, relationships, work, blogging.. you name it, it probably happened! However, I’m certain that if this had all happened back in May, I wouldn’t have known what to do. Although it was still tough in October, I dealt with it. Part of that is the fact I now have a routine which, as a creature of habit, I really struggled without in lockdown. The main thing though is I’ve found a happier balance when it comes to “dwelling”. I try my hardest not to fester over what was or what will be, instead I just use them for my benefit.

On Thursday night, I went to a ballet class which was at a later time than usual so I ended up getting the train home in the dark. Going over the railway bridge, seeing the London skyline lit up behind Battersea Power Station I was hit with an overwhelming feeling of “wow”. The exact same “wow” I got last year as I travelled home from my first day at college after working towards that achievement for goodness knows how long. Thursday night was a “wow” after a phenomenal week where a lot of things really fell into place for me. Just seeing that view I was hit with a wave of nostalgia from the past, a sense of achievement for this week in the present, and, excitement for what’s to come in the future. All three moments in time we think about incessantly, all fell into place in harmony.

(Yes I know the pic on the left isn’t the best, but you try capturing a bright image on a fast moving train.. !😂)

This post is more of a train of thought from the depths of my mind than anything else. What I know is my brain can be my own worst enemy by making me either believe “Compared to last year’s exciting antics, you’re useless” or “Why aren’t you doing this yet?! You’re SO behind!”. However, finding the strength to tell your brain to just focus on what matters, regardless of what time stream it might be existing in, is hugely beneficial despite sometimes feeling impossible to control. Examples of things you tell your brain could be “draw on what you learnt last year”, or, “you have this activity planned today so that needs all your concentration”, or, “you want to be here in a years time, what do you need to do that?”. Time is a weird thing but there is no right or wrong way to look at it or use it. It’s yours to use in whatever healthy way is best for you. We all need our own time to travel our own distance.

5 Ways To Work Through Your Fear Of Singing

When lockdown began I was in the middle of my drama school audition circuit which then dramatically changed when all recalls moved from in person to online. Initially I was anxious about the process because it was quite a while until I heard from the schools about their plans so the unknown was daunting at first. Once I knew the plan, all was fine, but after that things just stopped. I had nothing to work towards, which as someone who always feels the need to work towards something, this manifested itself in a very anxious and otherwise describable as ‘broken’ time which I spoke about in this blog post here which might be worth a read before you continue with this post (but isn’t essential!).

The musical theatre discipline I’ve always had an affinity for was singing. I was singing in school choirs well before musical theatre came on my radar and it’s been what I’ve been having lessons in the longest. But despite being something which has given me so much joy over the years, the past few months have been awful if I’m totally honest. As someone who would normally be singing for roughly half of their day be it in a lesson or just because it was something enjoyable, what I did in lockdown was very different. Between the start of May till mid-August, I only sang three times, for less than an hour, and each of those times ended in tears, some of them also resulted in me being physically sick due to anxiety. It was a really strange thing to experience but with time I came to recognise that, deep down, not only did I still love singing but I knew had to find a way to feel positive about it again. 

When I asked this week what blog post people would like to read I had an overwhelming amount of people not only asking to read about getting through the fear of singing but also so many people had stated they too had felt something similar. The fear of singing stemmed from the fact that I felt really upset watching the industry I adore falling to tatters due to the lack of support given through lockdown. Even before this time however, I used to feel quite anxious about singing in certain environments. I’ve always stood by the fact that I could happily sing in front of a huge crowd with nothing else other than a few excited butterflies compared to if I was asked to sing for a group of ten people. It’s bizarre and almost backwards but with time I’ve worked through this however the past few months has resulted in me learning to love using my voice again. Here are a few things which helped me through this.

1. Choose to sing material which makes you feel like you but also pushes your comfort zone in a healthy way.

When you don’t feel like your usual, happy, “sing-song” self, pick a song which makes you feel like you. This could be stylistically or emotionally so if you excel when singing legit style music pick something which feels good to sing in your voice. If you have a knack for telling stories through pop ballads, start playing with a song which gives you lots to work with emotionally. Whatever song you choose it should simultaneously should feel familiar in some aspects but you also want to push yourself a bit just to see where you stand. I personally love a good belt so I picked a song which had a similar range to material I was comfortable with but I challenged myself by having more high belt technique work to practise. It has been tough but it’s reassured me that not only can I do what I was able to do before my break but I’m also able to work on new skills too.

2. Have an open discussion with people who will support you.

For me this has been some of my closest friends, my parents and my singing teacher. When I was thinking about getting back into singing lessons I put off emailing my teacher for weeks but spent ages umming and ahhing over it with my friends who understood the dilemma I was in. Some of my friends really didn’t seem to understand why I was feeling so anxious about doing something which historically had been so ‘simple’. They didn’t mean to cause upset but when in this sort of state I’ve always found it valuable to distance myself from opinions which otherwise could get into my head negatively.

Eventually when I started lessons and was totally honest with my teacher about how I felt. She understood how I’d been feeling and helped me work out what specifically in my world was making me so uncomfortable. Without her help to rewire thing emotionally as well as reassure me that things hadn’t fallen apart technically, I wouldn’t be confident at all.

Sorting my new song ideas

Have open discussions with people

3. Get a completely new approach.

My routine pre-lockdown was to have a lesson once a week with my teacher mentioned above as well as a bi-weekly lesson with someone else and also studying musical theatre at college Tuesday – Thursday. When the world changed in March, my schedule naturally changed too with me no longer working towards musical theatre and taking much needed respite from it all. Then when the world changed again a few weeks ago and studios reopened, I began to build a new timetable for a new era.

Although I’m with a teacher who I’ve been working with for a year now, we’re having lessons in a brand new studio. I have really been enjoying the commute as it’s to a part of London I’m not in very often. This fresh start may seem random, but really helped me separate the feelings I was having pre-lockdown (as I was having a bit of a mare confidence wise before this all kicked off) to these new ones. I’d left the negativity behind. If you can’t get to a new studio, perhaps try rehearsing in a different part of your home at a new time of day, the same principal can apply. When building my new timetable it was also important to build a new mindset. Singing was no longer something I had a looming end goal with, I don’t plan to audition for drama school till the new year so I’m using this time to enjoy my work more than ever rather than being stressed about having a time scale to adhere to. I’m spending much more time playing with new material I wouldn’t have touched historically as I would’ve been too stressed out working on audition repertoire.

Doing something you love in a new way is potentially a great way to start afresh and, personally being a creature of habit, having a routine after months of just scraping by is wonderful – I had a lot of fun planning it, but that’s just my inner organised nerd talking!

4. Share progress with those you love.

I hate singing for small groups. Honestly couldn’t think of anything worse. I’m totally fine with singing in front of large crowds, I’d have excited butterflies but that’s it. Smaller numbers, say fifteen or less (excluding 1-2-1 lessons), just makes me really nervous. I think it’s because I can see everyone’s reactions in a smaller group I feel much more conscious, especially if it’s a group of people I know really well such as my family. However, since starting back with lessons I’ve shared a few clips of things I’ve worked on as well as pieces I have suddenly had a surge of confidence to have a play with. The people who have seen these clips are people who make me feel good about myself when I’m low and they’re also people whose opinions I value so hearing what they have to say is not only a confidence boost but gives me something new to work on next.

I’m not the sort of person who typically would share videos publicly of me singing online (there is one singing video on my Instagram which honestly I planned to put up a month in advance and it sat in my drafts for ages..!) but this, for me, is the next step for getting my confidence up – sharing what I do with new people. I want to work through this but I’m terrified to do so and it’s not going to happen for a while but when I feel the urge I will because I really want to give it a go!

A new routine

Sharing with my best friends

5. Don’t beat yourself up.

If you haven’t been yourself for a long time, try not to sit there belittling what you’re capable of. You’re just not in your usual headspace or have the same confidence levels so don’t make life harder by being your own worst enemy. Also don’t feel bad if you’re not ready, I was given an opportunity over lockdown to be a part of a virtual concert where I’d sing a few numbers but I put it off and eventually cancelled out of anxiousness. I thought that doing this concert, having something to work towards would mean I’d snap out of the way I was feeling. I was offered the concert in April, I didn’t start singing till August.. that is absolutely fine and is also the most healthy thing, mentally and vocally.

My teacher told me something on my first lesson back which has really stuck with me not only about why things have slipped a bit technique wise over my break, but also how I talk to myself emotionally about my work. The voice is a muscle which needs to be trained. Like any muscle, if it’s not exercised it loses strength so it’s inevitable that some elements of my voice feel different as they’re rusty. With practice, all muscles can return to peak performance but it’s also okay that sometimes training slips – it’s about getting back on the horse. This is something I have been told before, but hearing it again when I did was really important. Emotionally this analogy has helped by allowing me to separate my voice from me. Any art form is incredibly personal, especially singing when it comes directly from your body/face! It’s your singing voice. But when things go askew it’s natural to feel down that you are ‘failing’ but in reality no, it’s a muscle which needs work rather than a personal, emotional, part of you that has faltered.

Singing is something which was exceptionally hard to work through the fear of. I still wince at a few things in my lessons (my teacher told me to riff last week, I really wasn’t a fan of that request but we had a giggle about it!) however I am the happiest I’ve been in a long while. I’ve had quite a few things change in my world for the better with things such as relationships, medication and routine but one of the most positive changes is going back to singing. Feeling like Abi once again. ❤️

Dating Yourself

This in some ways is a sequel to my post earlier this year How To Recharge Your Creativity which I really enjoyed writing as it helped give me a sense of purpose. It was a moment to reset and remind me of how to care for myself. It goes without saying that these past few months have lacked purpose as the world essentially stopped. However, I knew what was needed, personally, to give myself a chance to feel a bit more normal so the second it felt the safest I was prepared to do it. On Wednesday I donned my mask, hopped on a train with my camera, and spent the day wandering around my favourite places in central London.

The notion of dating yourself is one which is thrown around a lot by lifestyle magazines which on the surface sounds like a single person’s defense for spending Valentine’s day alone. However, the action of ‘dating yourself’ to me is actually the most important thing someone can do for their own self-care. The image which may spring to mind is treating yourself to a fancy dinner and sitting alone in the middle of a resturant whilst other people socialise around you. Of course, this is something you can do but, on the surface, dating yourself is about putting YOU first and doing what YOU deem enjoyable. I love taking this time because it feels obligation-free. I don’t get the chance to do this as often as I would like but when I set aside this time it really is important and special to me.

Before I started taking this time I wasn’t very comfortable in my own company however with time it has become the thing I adore. I think being comfortable by yourself is really important. Although having loved ones around is wonderful, personally I often feel lost in crowds of people I know yet feel so grounded in a crowd of strangers when I’m out by myself. Despite being alone for the past four months in Lockdown, I’ve not really used this solo time to enjoy my company, I have been working in some capacity. This time is more than just taking yourself out and putting aside your responsibilities for a few hours if you can. It’s a really beneficial time to work out where YOU are.

Over the years I have accumulated a few fun ideas for these days which I thought would be fun to share. 

1) Sit in a public place and people watch

It sounds a bit creepy to people watch but it’s a lot of fun, it’s also one of the most stereotypical things to do alone so let’s get it out of the way! People are fascinating and whilst you’re taking this time to observe what allows you as a human to ‘tick’ it is also really interesting to see what others are like too. I had a chat on the phone with a friend after I’d got in from London on Wednesday. They were up in town for the evening and had rung me to see if I could recommend a restaurant. My friend said they felt a bit weird sitting “on me ones”  having their dinner which I totally get. Admittedly, the first time I went out alone, telling the server at Pizza Express I wanted a table for one did feel a bit awkward but honestly, they couldn’t have cared less. In all honesty, it’s nothing for them, I actually got super fast service that day which I think is because I wasn’t part of a busy group!

2) Partake in an activity you’d normally do with company

Obviously, I do not mean team sports…! Activities such as clothes shopping or have a movie marathon are things worth giving a go alone. You’ll maybe realise what about the day you love the most and will, therefore, know how to make it extra special when you’re with company. For me, this activity is going to the theatre. I love the social aspect of sitting in a theatre but just going alone is a very different experience I love. There are no obligations, you can get there as early as you like and sit until the final note of the exit music has played in peace. I’ve also met some really cool people when I’ve been to the theatre alone. Just because you’re out by yourself it doesn’t mean you can’t talk to people and make friends. Here is a photo of me and the lovely Eda who I met on my final visit to On Your Feet in London. We struck up a conversation pre show about Gloria Estefan and we’re still in regular contact almost a year later!

People watching over dinner

Lovely Eda! ❤️

3) Start an impulse a project

As someone who always needs to be doing something be that for work or for fun, the time spent on a project is always really fulfilling – especially if it’s just for your sake. An impulse project is something which I always have running in the background of my normal life and suddenly I’ll get the impulse to work on it again. Currently I am taking a diploma in psychology… I have no need for that in my fields of work however it’s something I am really enjoying as there is no other end goal apart from completing the course. It isn’t a qualification which would be detrimental to my career whether I pass or not, it is just something very different from my normality which is purely for me.

4) Sort your life out

Self care is all well and good but unless you make an effort in normal, hectic, life to eliminate stresses where you can, the days where you can breathe don’t really get used effectively. By this I mean after spending a day where I do whatever I want I often feel the postive effects for the next few days. However, if I get thrown back into a stressful situation the next day where I feel really naff the day I spent before feels a bit wasted in my personal experience. In many situations you can’t help but avoid these stressful days as they’re beyond your control and I also appreciate it is a previlige to be able to close the door on normality for a while. However when you get the opportunity to take a moment to focus and care about yourself, it might be worth using it to think about what’s going on in life rather than just sitting and enjoying a meal alone. On Wednesday I sat in Jubilee Gardens deciding on some goals I need to achieve and then wrote lots of lists about how I can succeed in that. As a result I’m feeling much more motivated today (Thursday) off the back of yesterday’s time to plan.

Impulse Project!

Sorting my life out under the London Eye..!

As I say, I appreciate having time to turn off from the world is a luxury however if you can find time to just take a breath and focus on you, regardless of what your normal life is like, it really is worth it. It doesn’t need to be elaborate or expensive. This time could be you sitting with a cup of tea and a notebook. However it fits into your life I personally think it’s important to take time to get to know yourself. We spend so much time being sociable trying to get to know others but it’s just as important to spend that time on yourself too. In this era of lockdown we’ve been told to check in with others to make sure they’re doing alright and keep in touch. Don’t forget to do that with youself too. I definetly forgot and suffered the consequences. My day in London was the perfect way to handle my situation. Sitting in the sun eating a pack of raspberries, overlooking Tower Bridge is something I enjoyed doing by myself. Of course it would be fun with friends too but by myself was something I needed. 🙂

 

 

Ethnically Ambiguous

I am what I, jokingly, call ethnically ambiguous. When you first look at me you may have a few different ideas as to where my family’s heritage is from and that provokes interesting conversations. I take zero offence to people politely asking what my heritage is and I answer questions with glee. However, living in a predominately white British area, when I turn around and say I’m from Bromley I often get asked the infamous question…

“No, where are you really from?”

Now, nine times out of ten that isn’t meant with malicious intent. I know people are often just curious and they have a preconception which society, as well as history, has drilled into us that if you say you’re British but don’t have a fair complexion you’re not ‘originally’ from around here. Of course, that is totally inaccurate because you can be British no matter the colour of your skin, however, we have had it ingrained in our systems for years. The world is currently working to unlearn this principle which I feel is really positive. I have been asked the “where are you really from?” question my whole life and as I’ve got older I’ve got sick of answering it. If I’m met by that question I, jokingly, say “well, I was actually born Orpington but I live in Bromley now!” which then provokes the question I will happily answer “what is your family’s heritage?”.

I am really from Bromley. I’ve never lived away from my BR postcode however I have been brought up embracing both elements of my family cultures. I have never been to my Dad’s Family’s homeland and I only visited my Mother’s at the age of sixteen. Funnily enough, when people try to work out where I’m from they never actually get the answer spot on. I most often get asked if I’m from Spain or Mexico. I can see where that idea comes from but it’s not correct. I’m also mistaken for having Indian heritage a lot too, that’s closer to home than other ideas but still not right. When I eventually tell people where my family is from I often have to explain the world’s geography so we can locate our tiny island!

Because people often struggle to pinpoint my heritage from a first glance, the joke of me being ethnically ambiguous was born. Of course, you won’t ever be able to pinpoint someone’s heritage from one look, that’s a huge sweeping statement and not something I think is fair – ask people politely if you are *genuinely* interested. However, as a result of my ambiguity, growing up I have experienced tokenism in ways I hadn’t appreciated really impacted the way I view myself until I was old enough to realise what was happening. Tokenism, for those who have luckily never experienced it, is when a group of people is pooled together and there are a few ethnic minorities present to essentially prove that a group/organisation is inclusive. They may not have been chosen to be involved based on their skillsets but to fill a quota – a tick boxing exercise to show there is a variety of people involved. For example, in a photograph advertising a company: We have a white woman. ✅ We have a black man. ✅ We have a Chinese boy. ✅ We have a mixed-race girl (me). ✅

I was always chosen to be in lots of school photographs which would end up in the public domain: prospectuses, newspaper clippings, pictures from school trips put up on social media, etc. When I was in primary school there was a group of us usually roped into being in photos. I told my Mum and she just laughed when I listed the names of my classmates who were all from different cultures. She made a joke that, because there wasn’t anything hugely distinguishable in my appearance linking to a cultural stereotype, I was chosen because I could’ve been from a variety of different places based on my skin tone. I found that really funny when I was small and I didn’t think anything else about it, I was happy to be in photographs with my friends. However, as I got older and began to understand how some people would try to commercialise my skin tone, it actually began to impact how I saw myself and my achievements.

Little Abi who didn’t fully understand tokenism when she was in school photos.

I have three examples as to where tokenism has impacted how I view the things I’m proud of. Two of them are linked to theatre because this is, ultimately, a theatre blog at the best of times and also because tokenism is a huge issue that needs to be tackled in the theatre industry – that warrants its own post, one day perhaps! These are all totally personal thoughts and by no means am I saying them to cause fights – it’s just how I feel! 🙂

The first anecdote is actually more about how someone else was rude about me getting a job than me immediately questioning an achievement due to tokenism. I succeeded in gaining the position of head student in year thirteen in secondary school. I got through three rounds of shortlists and I ended up getting the role alongside a friend of mine. My friend was a white British girl and I was me. I hadn’t thought anything of it because I knew we had both worked hard to get that job after being on the student council together since year 7 – it was quite an achievement for us! The student leadership team was made up of seven people with the two of us at the helm as head students. Of the seven, three of us were POC. The team never felt like a tick boxing exercise to me, we’d all got our jobs based on our skills and passions. However, one day I overheard some people in our sixth form common room talking about I got the head student position over someone else because of my skin colour.  I sat there laughing to myself at such a stupid comment. I didn’t have the energy to call them out there and then (I had a test next period and was revising!) but I spoke about it to a member of staff who dealt with it later. I managed to brush it off, but there was a weird feeling of questioning whether or not I’d actually earnt this position or if I’d just been given it to be PC. I know I had definitely earnt it but there was a pang of wondering if tokenism might have had an impact.

I had to hide my school name but a yellow lanyard meant you were on the student leadership team.

Now onto theatre..! My first story is from when I was selected to participate in a workshop and get some feedback on a performance by writers of a West End musical. I had sent in a self-tape audition to then be offered a participant slot which I was so excited for. When I arrived at the venue a few weeks later and met the other participants everything was pleasant enough until we got to do our soundcheck. They were all a lot older than me, had been in some form of training. I was sat watching other people perform and doubted my own ability as I felt like a fish out of water due to age etc. That feeling of doubt was totally rational but then my brain switched and told me “the only reason you’re here is that they need to be inclusive”. That was when I realised that I was the only non-white person on the stage. Was I even good enough to be there? That question still bugs me years later because looking back I know I really wasn’t a strong performer (my technique was a nightmare!!) and I wonder if it was all because of tokenism. I enjoyed the day and it’s a special memory still, even if I was selected just because of the need to be inclusive, but that thought does still sit in my mind… was I chosen for the right reasons?

My acceptance email but part of me doubts why I was there…

My final anecdote, I auditioned for college and I actually got into a school! Hooray! But I’m not going…. What?! First and foremost I’m not going because A) That school is the right place for me on a personal level with regards to location and vibe. And B) I don’t like the idea of going off this September after a pandemic because it’s all so uncertain. I’d much rather wait a year and see what happens.

Linking on from reason A, I feel that when I look at places for further education, I make a conscious effort to see what the diversity level is like. Whether or not it’s vast or if it’s just a few non-white people amongst a crowd.  This isn’t my way of thinking “oh, I’m not going to this school because it’s racist”. Far from it. It’s a fab school. This is me thinking about the communities I want to be surrounded by and, if I am having to move away from home, I would love a group of people around me who have had similar experiences growing up to bounce ideas off. This school I got into would involve me moving away from home and from every open day I attended, photographs of the college shared online, and also experiences of people I know who train/teach there, it didn’t feel diverse enough for me. This is one of a plethora of reasons why I opted to turn down this place on a course. Not knocking the school at all, it just wasn’t right for me.

For lots of reasons, I opted to turn down this exciting offer despite it being a tough decision to make.

However, due to the lack of diversity present, when I found out that both myself and a friend of mine with a similar skin tone and heritage had been offered a place on the course, both of our brains went straight to the tokenism argument. On our (separate) audition days, we were some of the only non-white auditionees which we can remember seeing. I remember one other person from my audition day. I’ve had enough exposure to the world of drama school auditions now to know that from every first-round audition a certain percentage will get taken through to recalls/offered places just so schools can roughly work out admissions numbers. Having this knowledge made me wonder if we’d been offered places because of the diversity we’d bring. This made me feel uncomfortable until my friend raised her own concerns with this which we’d not ever had conversations about prior.

The school probably didn’t offer us places on the grounds of tokenism, they likely genuinely wanted to work with us. However, this is proof that years of being a token has taken its toll personally. I doubt lots of major successes in my life and question whether or not I’ve gained these experiences just because of my appearance rather than my skillsets. Again, I didn’t accept this school’s offer purely based on this reason, there were a lot of other things too which didn’t make it feel like the right fit for me – this was just an aspect.

I may be ethnically ambiguous, but I do not want to be another statistic for you to use in your organisation for commercialised gain. If you genuinely want to be a diverse and inclusive environment ASK ME WHO I AM. PLEASE. But don’t give me that bullsh*t question of “where are you really from?” because that makes me feel like I do not belong. Tokenism generates an equally emotional feeling of not belonging because I feel as though my self-worth is, literally, just skin deep – people don’t acknowledge the hard work underneath. It is extremely damaging and I have written this post to express my own opinions and experiences, however, I am sure I’m not the only person to feel this way. Please celebrate different heritages and cultures. Don’t put people under one umbrella based on their skin tones, claiming that because they’re not white they’re therefore foreign. People are individuals, treat them that way. Create a genuinely diverse environment where people are embraced for their talents, not just because of how they look ticks a box on an agenda.

I Don’t Like Musical Theatre Anymore

*Disclaimer: I still adore musical theatre… I hope I didn’t scare you too much there! But this is a topic I really wanted to talk about as it’s a tug of war I experience from time to time. It felt especially apt to discuss it right now because it’s something I’ve been battling a fair deal during lockdown and also, May is Mental Health Awareness Month. I know I’m not alone in feeling this way due to the number of friends I have discussed this with, however, I wanted to share how I sometimes feel in case anyone else feels awkward for feeling the same way – I know I did until I spoke out.

Theatre is such a positive thing in my life. The friends, the memories and, the awesome experiences I have gained through theatre are things I am forever thankful for. However, there are sometimes days when I want nothing more than to remove all traces of theatre from my life and just take a moment to breathe. At times, theatre to me feels very “all or nothing”, there is a line in the musical ‘On Your Feet’ which has stuck with me since I first saw the show: “You can be 95% better! You have to be 95% better. This has to cost you everything otherwise this is never going to work.”. That is very much how I approached my training whilst on a foundation course. For the first half of my course, I kept my head down, worked literally all day, every day, and didn’t really feel the urge to come up to breathe. I never believed that I was doing enough despite working non-stop and then eventually I cracked.

I didn’t go to college on November 5th last year (I remember it so clearly!) because I essentially just shut down. I couldn’t stop crying, I felt physically sick and the notion of going to do something linked to theatre felt like the worst thing in the whole world. Before this day, I began to question what my world would be like without theatre because of all the stress and anxiety it brings. I really struggled to see the positives even though there are so many. That Tuesday night was the final straw. I cracked and I spent the whole evening offloading month’s worth of anxiety to my Mum through tears.

We wrote down how I was feeling and formulated a time table where I had time to get away from theatre work. I went to college the next day with the excuse of “I had a migraine” rather than explaining my doubts surrounding the profession I was training to enter and how the joy had been lost as a product. Going back into college was a struggle because I didn’t want to be there, theatre was something I wanted to be really far away from – I didn’t think I deserved to be at college as a result.

Before

After

I didn’t think I deserved to be there.

This feeling was so hard to shake for a long time. I think I went through about 2-3 months of not wanting to associate with theatre daily. I wanted to find something to do with my time which could not be “commercialised”. My reasoning here was in a ‘normal’ profession away from the arts, to wind down, people tend to take up hobbies such as dancing or singing in a local group. For me, that was the sort of thing I wanted to get away from but I also wanted a hobby which I couldn’t put on my CV which could have the potential to help me book a job eg horse riding, gymnastics, playing guitar, etc. In hindsight, I now realise how impossible that is because anything can link to your craft if you find a way but I wanted something totally separate for me. I spent the week after my ‘meltdown’ (as it’s now lovingly known) making a present for my Mum’s birthday. I’ve always enjoyed arts and crafts so now that is my outlet when I get stressed out and want time away from theatre. This piece of string artwork stands for a lot personally as weird as that sounds.

So this all happened in November. Why am I bringing it up now?

Lockdown has made me both appreciate theatre in a new way but also want to disappear from it more than ever. Not because I don’t like it, but because it is such an uncertain thing at the moment which thinking about makes my heart hurt. I’m taking this time to get some space from theatre. Last year I realised the importance of letting myself off the hook from time to time. Before lockdown started and the first few weeks I was working pretty much non-stop in prep for some self-tape auditions I needed to send off. I had taken online classes, was working on my audition material, doing lots of admin work, etc but once I’d sent off my final tape, I stopped.

Filming my self tapes

Research into my material

The aftermath of a workshop I did in prep

I haven’t sung, taken classes, or done anything linked to theatre from a practical side since April 13th. This isn’t because I’m lazy and want to take a holiday, it is because the notion of working on my craft fills me with so much anxiety at the moment. Lockdown for me has unearthed some pretty rough things emotionally and theatre would have normally been the thing which helped me through – right now it has made it worse.  I’ve kept listening or watching things theatre-related to a minimum and the closest thing I’ve done to ‘work’ is print out some sheet music. I have a family who very much enjoys theatre so there is often some form of cast recording being played at home. The past few weeks I’ve left the room and put on other music to ‘block-out’ musicals because just the typical “Broadway sound” made me feel weird. I’ve managed to see theatre through the eyes of someone who thinks musicals are the worst thing in the world which has been a very interesting experience. I personally don’t dislike musicals, far from it! But I know what people outside of our circle may find irritating.

I know these are very extreme measures but I’ve been happier as a result. Now, this doesn’t mean I’m never going to do anything linked to theatre ever again – I know that I enjoy this field and I want to be involved with it, at the moment though this space is wonderful. I’ve been writing a journal during lockdown and something I’ve written about quite regularly in the last week or so is how I’m starting to feel “ready” to begin to revisit theatre-related activities. I wrote out a selection of activities for me to do during lockdown and only two of these are theatre related. I won’t go back to work with structured time tables etc during lockdown because I simply don’t want to, however, there is a longing to want to revisit my craft. I know that when I get back into it I won’t be where I was on a technical level before this all kicked off but that is totally fine with me because what I’ve gained instead is the space to feel free.

Daily Journaling

My Lockdown Ideas

I do miss theatre. So much. I want it to come back whenever it is safe enough for people to experience the buzz and joy. I want to go back to class and laugh with my friends. But I’ve learnt during this time to miss the thing which brings so much positivity yet also not feel guilty for wanting space from it. I know I spoke about this of a sort in my “Open Letter To Theatreland” post but as lockdown has gone on I’ve seen other people feel the same way as me and feel awkward for doing so. The world is an extremely messy place right now and there are anxiety-inducing things everywhere. I took control to cut out theatre so it’s, therefore, one less thing to be anxious about. I am the most content I have been in a long time.

Sometimes to be “95% better” you need to take a moment away and that is okay. 

“I Don’t Dance..!”

Dance and I have had a strange relationship ever since I was young. I was happy to dance as a child and found it so easy to just move without inhibitions. I think with age when dancing began to be labeled as dancing, and by that I mean it was something I realised other people, and ultimately my own inner critic, could judge me for, I began to feel anxious. That being said I’ve managed to combat that fear and although I wouldn’t call myself a dancer (ie someone who is very strong in the field), I can dance. The anxiousness surrounding dance hasn’t fully disappeared but instead has manifested itself in a newfound healthy way which promotes personal growth.

When I was really little my favourite songs were Let Me Blow Ya Mind by Gwen Stefani and Eve and also Fallin’ by Alicia Keys. I’d hear the beat drop and my legs would instantly start bouncing as I was sat on either my Mum or Dad’s laps. My nickname from my Mother is “Jigs” which is short for “The Jiggle Monster” because I used to lie on the floor as a baby and would start moving my body when I heard music! Music has a really cool power I think to just cause a response in the body. What I think is cooler is the ability to control that response to music and choreograph something which articulates how you feel. Flash forward a few years, I remember performing to my family one day before dinner a dance I had choreographed to Cheryl (then) Cole’s Fight For This Love. I’d spent all evening up in my bedroom watching the music video over and over, teaching myself some of my favourite parts whilst filling in the gaps with my own moves. Ten years on, it’s utterly cringeworthy thinking back to it, but childhood innocence is an adorable thing all at once..! 

Dancing at 2 Months Old! – according to my mother!

My 6th Birthday looking like “Hannah Montana” apparently

Then suddenly the notion of just letting my body respond to music felt so daunting. In Mauritian culture, family parties involve getting up on the dancefloor and dancing till the early hours of the morning. When I was younger I’d dance and join in the party happily until it was time to go home, but from the age of 10/11 onwards, you could find me sat down at a table not wanting to dance out of anxiousness. I would inevitably get dragged up during Li Tourner which is a sega track that I’d happily dance to but then feel really weird in my stomach afterward and have to sit down again because I felt embarrassed.

I don’t know what specifically caused the change in me emotionally but I have a feeling it was linked to when I realised one’s dance ability was judge-able, this was shortly after I got involved with musical theatre. My first memory of being terrified of dance was the auditions for my year six production of Hairspray in primary school. I remember this day so vividly, it’s mad! We had learnt the dance to You Can’t Stop The Beat and I just wasn’t picking it up. I felt so self-conscious in the hall learning it with my friends who some of which were part of performing arts groups so in my mind they were instantly better than I was. I kept it together in the room but then went home to my Mum and cried… on my birthday! I was going to see my tutor that night who was a teacher at my school. Mum had messaged her how I was feeling so pre-warned her that I might’ve been a bit “off” that night. We arrived at her house and I was met at the front door with her wielding a mini roll with a candle in it whilst she sang happy birthday. We had a chat about the auditions and I told her that I was scared for the dance call but not singing. Her response to that was to just try my best and do what I know I’m good at which is what I did the next day. I went in, absolutely BS’d my way through the dance call but sang my heart out when I needed to and I ultimately got the part I auditioned for!

I started going to weekly dance classes as part of a performing arts group I joined in 2013. This group, in all honesty, was more of a confidence-boosting after school club than training however it helped set the foundations of passion for my craft. I was initially enamored with dance and my first week at that class I adored, but as time went on I became really self-critical and would dread my final lesson of the day. That would all one day change when I had a new teacher start working with me and she really wanted to push her student’s technique instead of just throwing routines at them, thinking it was already within their skillset. This new teacher initially scared me a bit but that was because she pushed me like mad as she wanted me to improve for my benefit. With her support, I began to come out of my shell in late 2016 and wasn’t as afraid.

Me *attempting* to keep up with a dance class with my new teacher in 2017!

And then I dislocated my kneecap which meant I couldn’t walk for months, let alone dance. 

My accident is absolutely the thing that has at times hindered my growth and passion for dance in the past three years. Whether it is a technical thing which I physically cannot yet do because some parts of my body are still recovering, or an emotional one where I put up barriers of “I’ll never be able to do this as I’ll only get injured again”, my fear of dance returned after January 2017. It’s been an almighty battle, but I’m now proud of where I am dance wise. I’m far from perfect-  I had a friend of mine (who is a phenomenal dancer) sending me video tutorials on how to improve my pirouettes last month as I sent off self-tape auditions for drama schools. However, this knowledge that I’m not perfect is essentially rocket fuel for me wanting to improve.

My Dislocated Knee – 2017

When I started a foundation course last year I had to learn to embrace a dancer “look” and by that I mean I had to start wearing leotards and tights which initially made me feel so exposed. I felt like an imposter as I thought, at that point, it was wrong to think about wanting to dance because I was categorically not a dancer. With time though I got used to seeing myself in front of a mirror dancing and I became more comfortable with what I wore to the point where I felt more like me in dancewear than I did in anything else. For me, the dancer look isn’t just the typical attire because I have knee supports, bandages, and leg warmers in my wardrobe as a result of my accident. Coming to terms with the fact that my accident would have repercussions sometimes so I would end up putting on a support sometimes was really uncomfortable at first. I later recognised that injuries are somewhat inevitable and mine were always going to have their moments (throwback to the time I popped my hip out during class…!). This didn’t mean they had to stop me though so I just kept going and I began to worry less about my body – instead I enjoyed just letting it do its thing!

My fabulous class! ❤️

The environment I was in at college was nothing short of supportive. It pushed me like mad but I’m so lucky to have had incredible teachers and an awesome class who always helped me feel at ease. My confidence has soared and I’m less anxious to dance! The classes I’ve been to outside of college as a result of this positive environment have each been carefully selected to keep this positive feeling. Some classes I went to only to not return after a few sessions because I didn’t feel the vibe was right for me. I need a supportive environment but one which pushes me like mad. Some classes I went to didn’t feel as warm as I would’ve liked whereas others didn’t as much of a foot on the gas I need to improve. The classes where I’m a regular are the perfect balance!

I wouldn’t say I’m scared of dance anymore. Okay, it still makes me feel a bit nervous at times but that’s only in environments such as auditions where it’s normal to feel that way. There is no longer a fear. It’s realistically taken about seven years to get to a point where I’m totally comfortable but there are a few things which have helped me along the way I would put in my list of top tips, they are:

1. Find classes which support you and your current abilty. Be realistic about what you can do now but don’t be afraid to push your limits to get where you want to be.
2. You get out what you put in. Don’t sit there moaning, wondering why you aren’t a strong dancer if you don’t go to class in the first place or push yourself outside of normal classes. You need to be persistent and determined. It’ll be hard, but don’t quit.
3. Wear clothes which make you confident. If you look the part, you’re halfway there I think because your brain and body register what you’re about to go through so there’s almost a natural discipline which comes with that. Also dress to make yourself feel good, you’re already doing something nervewracking so why make that harder by worrying about the cut of a leotard?
4. Dabble in lots of different areas. You don’t need to do only one style of dance, try it all and see what feels best for you. Also, don’t feel afraid to try something which isn’t your typical class for a bit of fun. If you’re a jazz dancer, why not try a bachata class?
5. Don’t go to classes with your friends when you’re starting out. It sounds so mean to say but go and try classes out by yourself. You will subconsciously cling to your friend as a support in an alien environment which has potential to make you hold back in going full out. If you go alone, nobody in that room has probably seen you before so you don’t know thier opinions of you and in all honesty who cares? You care about what your friends think more than strangers so being friend-less helps. The only class I’ve ever started for the first time with a friend was ballet with my best mate, Arianna. We got split up instantly by the teacher and we don’t really see each other in class but that in some ways makes class less daunting as it’s your space.

Dance is an awesome thing. That’s something I never expected myself to say a few years ago but I really enjoy it. That’s the most important thing – the enjoyment you get out of it. It’s natural to feel awkward doing something new to you but that doesn’t mean it’ll be like that forever. Work on your weaknesses is one of the best bits of advice I’ve ever been given because, eventually, they won’t be your weaknesses anymore.

Hello! I am an ENFP-T!

This post was inspired by my friend Sofie who, when I put a story up on my Instagram account pondering what to talk about in today’s blog post, suggested I looked at personality types. So here we are… cheers Sof! Personality types have been things I’ve had conversations with Sofie and our friend Rebecca about quite a lot over the years. We all find it really interesting and I retook my test today to talk about it in this post – I’m proud to say I’ve stayed true to myself and my personality type hasn’t changed!

Now, if you have no idea what I’m banging on about, personality quizzes are based on the Myers–Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI). This a questionnaire that, upon completion, reveals differences in how people perceive the world and make decisions. The idea was developed by mother and daughter Katharine Briggs and Isabel Myers, based upon the concept by Swiss psychiatrist, Carl Jung. Briggs and Myers published the indicator in 1944 to help women entering the industrial workforce during World War II identify what jobs would be the “most comfortable and effective” for them based upon their personality.

If you fancy giving it a go yourself, here is the link! https://www.16personalities.com/

I am an ENFP-T Campaigner which probably makes me sound like a droid out of Star Wars, but it really does make sense when you break down the code. After answering the questionnaire you are presented with a screen with a variety of polls that show you what your answers determine about you. Each of the letters in ENFP-T stands for a dominant trait I have. My screen looked like this:

So I am Extroverted, iNtuitive, Feeling, Prospecting, and Turbulent which each makes sense in terms of how heavily weighted each of those polls are.

The fact extroverted and introverted are pretty well balanced reflects me perfectly. I love being in a group and meeting new people but some days I want nothing more than to be by myself. My two favourite past times are going out with a group of friends and also exploring London alone. I think that just sums me up and my results definitely prove this! The Intuitive trait suggests that I’m curious and how I prefer to use my imagination thinking about future opportunities rather than just focusing on the present. Of course, I do relish in what I experience in day to day life however I always think about how it will impact my future more.

Feeling vs Thinking is the age-old thing of ‘do you follow your heart or your mind?’ I definitely trust my heart and also my gut more than my brain as I often get wound up by overthinking so my dominant trait here is feeling. It also suggests that I’m emotionally expressive and I can’t help but agree there – I always tell someone how I’m feeling about something. Prospecting suggests I react to my environments more than I try to control them – I do well with unexpected challenges and use them to grow. Finally, the Turbulent trait is SO accurate in my life. According to the 16Personalities website, “Turbulent individuals are success-driven, perfectionistic, and eager to improve. They are always trying to counterbalance their self-doubts by achieving more.” … if that ain’t me I don’t know what is!

There is also a list of your strengths and weaknesses based upon which character you fit the brief for. On the whole, the Campaigner traits, are pretty accurate for me! Based off of my personality type, my strengths include curiosity, energetic nature, and being a good communicator – all things I pride myself in having. My weaknesses include overthinking, having a split focus, and getting stressed out. Overthinking is the root of many of my issues and that often leads to the other two traits.

In recent weeks my world has been turned upsidedown and many plans have changed. Being in lockdown has had something to do with parts of that but generally, my life plan has been thrown about in a way I both expected and did not anticipate for a second. And that is okay. I’ve been trying to work out how I’m processing this best for me in a productive way which I can grow from (typical ENFP am I right…?!). At the moment there isn’t much space to grow from it in the way I know how to because of lockdown however I’m enjoying the ‘planning stage’ as it were. April has been a really cool but weird month in my world.

Today news has broken that we are, supposedly, ‘past the peak of outbreak’ amid this pandemic. Part of me is going “I HAVEN’T DONE ENOUGH!! I WANT MORE TIME!!” but then the rest of me is like “actually, you did a whole lot in April which was special so screw that feeling!” In my journal, I write a page at the end of the month outlining how I felt the month has gone. I thought I’d used the time a bit badly and didn’t do as much as I could have, however, looking back, I hadn’t appreciated that I’ve done some pretty huge things in April. I kind of “took the month off” but simultaneously did a lot of work. I started a lot of projects which some haven’t been completed (another flaw of an ENFP apparently!) but that’s why I’m now excited for May.

Now I have the answers I need, I’m now curious for the future so am looking forward to seeing how May will contribute to my new plans which are going to be put into place. Setting up my spread for May in my bullet journal felt so refreshing. I’ve also been cleaning my room, which is a big thing for me as I am the queen of hoarding…whoops, and that feels really anew too.

Taking this personality test today has really made me smile seeing as how it explains perfectly how I feel and why my brain does what it does in our current climate. For that reason, I recommend taking a look for yourself too. Of course, it isn’t totally accurate, apparently, I don’t click with ISFJ-T personalities… that’s what my best friend Sofie who inspired this post is! But it is a fun way to try and process you as a person. In a way, that’s what many people are using this time in quarantine for so this could be an interesting activity. Let me know if you take the quiz and what your personality type is!

Stay safe and look after yourselves! ♥️

Gap Year Life Lessons

When I didn’t get into drama school in 2019 I knew that would mean I’d be embarking on a year away from full-time education. Initially, that prospect really excited me because I was so ready to get away from school and essentially have the freedom to pursue my passions at my own pace. My “leavers day” in year thirteen was a really exciting day  – a new chapter was ahead.  The start of summer 2019 was incredible for me, I had the best time being totally free of responsibilities and I caught up on all the things I’d missed whilst being stuck behind my books revising. By mid-July however, the novelty had worn off and the panic began to set in that I’d end up floating for a whole year with no purpose. 

Leavers Day with my two best mates: Sofie and Rebecca ❤️

Despite this initial worry, my gap year ended up being one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. I’m only going to use this cheesy phrase once, but my gap year has helped me work out who I am… gross, but somehow true. I personally believe that things in life have a funny way of working themselves out for specific reasons to teach you things. My gap year wasn’t the stereotypical backpacking around the world to ‘find myself’ adventure. I was always going to use it to improve my skills in musical theatre to hopefully have a more successful audition season in 2020. Looking back at myself last April it’s so interesting to think about how little I knew then about how I function as Abi comparatively to what I know now.

The most important thing I have learned in the past year is how not to give a f*ck. A vulgar choice of words, I know, but it’s genuinely what I’ve learned to do. I was so caught up in people’s opinions of me a year ago I was hindering myself. I was also living inside my comfort zone a hell of a lot and was afraid to take risks as a result – not necessarily dangerous risks, just risks of trying something new. I had people criticising what I wanted to do for the next year of my life and that made me feel inadequate at times which isn’t something I’ve really spoken about – it’s something I’ve dealt with myself. My school questioned why I wasn’t doing a degree in September despite getting good A-level results. I had family members trying to wrap their heads around why I wanted to try auditioning for drama school again despite being unsuccessful in my first year. Some of my peers definitely looked down their noses at my plans as they didn’t fit their own ideas of what the next stage in education/training should be. SO! WHAT! As I’m writing this all I can feel is this energy in my body which is frustration that I let these negative opinions taint my happiness for so long, however, I’m somewhat glad they did because of the lessons I gained as a result. In a year I have learned it’s human to seek approval however the only approval you need is your own.

After the reality sunk in that I’d be spending a year doing my own thing, I realised I needed a schedule to keep myself somewhat grounded. I planned to attend a variety of different classes to grow my confidence in certain performing disciplines but then my plans got turned on their heads and I got offered a spot on the part-time foundation course at ArtsEd. This course suited me as it gave me the training I was trying to implement myself but it had much better resources I’d never would have had access to. What my gap year taught me is that without a structure I really struggle to function. It meant I had to learn how to structure my time for me, not because I *had* to do something but because I wanted to do it so I needed to make sure I essentially didn’t disappoint myself.

My fabulous class! ❤️

I had peers from theatre backgrounds dropping some really sly and initially hurtful comments saying that the fact I was on a part-time course meant I wasn’t good enough to train full time. It really bothered me for longer than it should have however I let their words manifest in an unhealthy way and I didn’t feel I deserved to be at ArtsEd. I remember messaging someone in November 2019 about how I was feeling and they really helped me expel this feeling. It wasn’t just people’s opinions that got the better of me but other things within my own personal life which heightened my anxiety around how I was using my gap year. In a year I have found ways which work for me to put a cap on my anxiety which was a hugely important learning curve for me.

A really honest conversation I had with a friend in Nov 2019. 

Linking on from my need for structure, my gap year taught me I am someone who needs variety. As much as I adore the world of musical theatre there are days when I want nothing more than to remove it from my life and take a breath from something wonderful yet all consuming! Up until this point, “normal” school was my world and musical theatre was a very serious hobby. When school ended, musical theatre became my life and having it at the forefront was something I had to learn to love in a new way.

This year I realised it is healthy to take space from what you love as it means you can appreciate it even more with a bit of perspective. This new timetable gave me time to learn new skills too from how to make sure I was looking after myself from a nutritional and physical side as well as also continue my driving lessons. On my days off I loved going up to London and exploring which gave me another element of independence/confidence this year. I also got back involved volunteering with a Brownie Girlguiding group I used to work with but had to step away because of school commitments. I love working with the girls because it is worlds away from my normal realm of theatre and gave me something positive to invest my time into.

In all honesty, school didn’t really prepare me for the ‘real world’ so the experiences I’ve had since leaving have been the ones which have taught me the most. Ultimately my gap year was such a positive thing for me. I currently don’t know whether I’ll be embarking on another one come this September as all application processes are all running differently but if I do I’m excited to see what it’ll bring. I hate it being described as a “year out” because that’s not what it is to me, it’s a year being fully immersed in what I love in way in which I can learn so many new things for me. Don’t be afraid of this prospect if it is on the cards for you, it has potential to be an invaluable experience. Do it your way. ❤️